Coping With Multiple Loses

by Cheryl Tate

Experiencing excessive loss can be wearing. In this time of COVID-19 in 2021, hearing of a death is commonplace, seems like every week or few days. We are not accustomed with this amount of fatality; it affects the psyche in many ways. Even with people we do not know, we experience loss because a death was recent and then another happens before we could recover from the last loss. Grief is a process that everyone goes through. There are different types of grief, all should be and acknowledged as real feelings. 

The main idea is we should be open about our feelings and share with someone. 

Cumulative grief is when we experience several episodes of loss, with no end in sight. Experienced by everyone, even if we did not know the individual well or not, we hear of losses in the media as well as medical professionals burdened with the responsibility of caring for the dying patients, risking their health in the same process. The stressors of mental health crisis for those who serve us the best they can.

Here are ways we can deal with cumulative grief; the main idea is to seek help if we feel we cannot handle the grief by ourselves.

1) Be aware of the risk of cumulative loss/grief overload. Knowing is half the battle! being aware that many losses in a short period poses unique challenges and can put you at risk for a grief process that is especially complicated is important. 

2) Be sensitive to other friends or family members who have suffered many losses and are at risk for cumulative grief. When we lose someone, we become absorbed in our own way of grieving. We can find it difficult to deal with people who are grieving. Being sensitive to the differences between all grievers is important. This sensitivity can be important when someone faces cumulative grief.

3) Be aware of the possibility of avoidance or denial in instances of cumulative grief. To make it through, one day at a time, you may find yourself more prone to avoidance than you have ever been in the past. This can also increase your risk of alcohol or drug use, as these substances can be tempting to numb pain. Professional support may be a good idea if attending to the grief of these losses is feeling impossible.

4) Keep in mind that time is not the only factor in cumulative grief. Though it may be tempting to assume that bereavement overload only occurs when deaths occur in immediate succession, this is not the case. A loss that was never attended to years before can bring back up a new loss and can be overwhelming.

5) Substance abuse can increase the risk for cumulative grief. When abusing drugs or alcohol, people are prone to avoid grieving. Using drugs or alcohol to numb grief can result in never grieving losses. This means that when a person stops using drugs or alcohol, they may face many losses that they failed to grieve over the course of years or even decades. Once someone stops using drugs or alcohol, they may find themselves facing many losses from the past that they avoided with substances, and hence experiencing grief overload.

*6) Age can increase the risk for cumulative grief. As individuals progress into their 70s, 80s, and 90s they may find themselves experiencing the deaths of friends and family members more than earlier in life. This can put them at a higher risk for cumulative grief. Without considering the other losses they are prone to, like loss of home, independence, and identity, as well as the fact that grief in society by those, they lose are elderly.  Due to a stigma around seeking professional support, some people in this age group may still have a strong aversion to seeking counseling. A little therapy never hurt anyone, but if therapy does not seem like the right fit, seeking other types of grief expression and exploration is important for people in this age group.

7) Grief is as unique as each person we lose, so we cannot rush grieving many losses. Though it can be tempting to think that grief is grief, and we can lump our grief work together if we have multiple losses in a short period, the reality is that we must grieve ever loss individually. Attention focused on each loss to integrate them into our lives.’

8) Cumulative grief can put a greater strain on our faith. One devastating loss can be difficult enough and can cause us to question our faith in a higher power. When someone suffers many losses, this feeling can increase. People can begin to feel they are being punished (remember Job?), have a harder time resolving a benevolent God with all the pain they have seen and felt, or struggle with experiencing ‘bad things happening to good people’. This is not true in every case of grief overload. Many will continue to find strength in their faith (again, remember Job?), but it is important to know it is normal if your faith shakes because of grief overload.

For hospital, hospice, and other healthcare professionals to be aware of cumulative grief. Like compassion fatigue and vicarious trauma, the experience of building relationships (even professional relationships with appropriate boundaries) with patients and experiencing the death of those patients can take a toll on healthcare providers. Though the grief of professionals may take a different form than friends and family, it is important for professionals to grieve these losses to avoid developing an unhealthy avoidance or detachment.

We all are experiencing a loss of some kind, usually related to COVID-19 now in our lives. Our mental health should be as important as our physical health. We are looking for the end of the tunnel, whenever we get there the road will be of more loss and grief. We must prepare our minds for the journey of bereavement.